Posted by: ariedan | April 23, 2009

10 Ways to More Effectively Manage Your Demonic Horde

Hi, readers! I have bad news… I sold my soul to Sargeras at Coffee With Sargeras (as well as my firstborn child and my left pinky, but that’s besides the point), and in return, he’s agreed to guest post for me! Kids, don’t make deals with evil titans; I learned that the hard way. :(

Hello little fleshlings! My name is Sargeras, Bane of Azeroth, and I’m honored to be guest-blogging on The Wordy Warrior. Now when I do this sort of thing, I always strive to fit the theme of my host blogger; so with that in mind, allow me to present…

Ten Ways to More Effectively Manage Your Demonic Horde

1. Communication, communication, communication.

It’s practically a cliche these days, but good communication really is the heart and soul of any pan-galactic destructive endeavor. Getting your countless infernal minions to work as a team requires more than just wanton cruelty. It takes a clear sense of purpose (and also wanton cruelty). If you haven’t communicated that purpose to your team, they won’t function as a unit. No learning, no burning!

2. Keep it light.

You are the incarnation of evil; you desire to destroy all life. That can get kind of heavy! Break it up with some lighthearted banter, or the occasional joke. “Why did the chicken cross the road?” “Nihilism.” That sort of thing. The obliteration of a major landmass need not be a cheerless affair!

3. Amorality is no excuse for incivility.

We get it, you’re evil. Doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk about it. Upholding a basic standard of politeness allows your demons to put aside their hatred of each other and focus on their hatred of life in general. For example: say one of your lieutenants heckles you in the middle of your inspirational speech. Smashing him with a meteor is cool; flipping him off is not. Stay classy!

4. Don’t talk about religion.

It’s kind of a sore subject, for reasons that should be pretty obvious. Politics are okay, though. If any of your peons have a political affiliation other than Your Word Is Law, ur doin it rong.

5. Enact contradictory rules.

This allows you to punish your subjects at will regardless of their behavior. Is that demon sitting around doing nothing? He’s slacking, kill him. Is he working hard? He’s expending excess energy, kill him. Has he found the perfect balance of work and relaxation? He’s making you look bad, kill him. Hey, you are evil after all.

6. Diversity is not an asset.

Let’s not mince words. You are racist, sexist, ageist, phylumist, and in all other ways bigoted. If you thought foreign civilizations had something to contribute, you wouldn’t be feeding them through a mulcher. Demand unity! When you want their opinion, you’ll give it to them! Lesser races are to be seen and not heard! Female demons will wear absurdly revealing outfits! (Or vice versa if you happen to be a female overlord.) Remember: if your demons start to feel like their opinions matter, they’ll only form them more often.

7. Love what you do.

Because if you don’t, it will show. Underlings can tell if you’re just going through the motions. It’s not an easy job, after all; these planets aren’t going to rip themselves into microscopic shreds of frozen rock. You have to wake up and make it happen, day in and day out. If you have a real passion for the destruction, you can get through the hard times. But if you find yourself just counting down the days till your next vacation, ask yourself: why are you really pursuing this career? In the end, if you’re not happy – if you’re not doing this for you – it just isn’t worth it.

8. Pick totally badass names for stuff.

It’s not a toothpick, it’s the Hammer of Hygiene. It’s not a Blackberry, it’s a Sable Amulet. You didn’t sneeze, you Expelled the Nasal Invaders. Seriously, demons eat this stuff up. The legions of the underworld will follow Sargeras the Worldcrusher. They will not, I repeat, will not charge into battle under the banner of Clarence the Certified Public Accountant.

9. Destroy one thing every day.

With all the administrative details you’re forced to manage on a daily basis, it’s easy to lose track of what it’s really all about: blowing shit up. So take time out each and every day to increase the entropy of the universe. Smash a castle. Chomp a comet in half. Kick an underling into the nearest star, if you have to. The focus will keep you grounded as you spread wave after wave of unfathomable terror across the universe.

10. Be the size of Mount McKinley and made out of burning metal.

This last one is so important. I really can’t overemphasize how critical it is that you radiate power like a sun, literally burning other creatures with your countenance.

Everyone clear? Good! Now get out there and incinerate an archipelago.


Responses

  1. My name is Sargeras and I approve this message.

  2. “Pick totally badass names for stuff”
    <3

  3. That is the best answer to “why did the chicken cross the road” I’ve ever seen. I’m going to steal it and use it from now on, if that’s ok with your evil-ness?

  4. No objections here!

  5. >8<

  6. I was doing so well until the last one.
    What if my countenance only fills people with crippling pity?

    Please Don’t Smite Me

  7. Hey, as long as it’s crippling!

  8. Haha, good stuff.

  9. if you had to trade in all of that, i wonder what Dorn had to give Sargeras…

    or is this one of those do-not-ask-if-you-want-to-leave-longer questions?

    • I don’t want to get too graphic…just a word to the wise: Demon semen is FUCKING CORROSIVE!

  10. i’m sorry. I meant live-longer. ^^”

    spider squish! ~8~

  11. It’s one of those do-not-ask-if-you-don’t-want-disturbing-mental-images questions. ;-)

  12. agreed. @_@


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